This Is Really Something Else
I am still not finding joy in any part of my day. I run through my to-do list and tick things off, but none of them lead to joy, and none of them involve joy. In fact, when I look at them I frequently feel a sense of dread and/or fear of varying degrees and of varying ratios.
And then there is the work. I know intellectually how this goes. Real progress only happens bit by bit, drip by drip. That's it. That's the reality. It's not some sort of delusion. But yet I cannot accept that emotionally. I can't seem to be satisfied or pleased with myself for having executed the work that I wanted to. Why can't I just trust my "self"? Why can't I just trust my capabilities? Why can't I just trust the process?
Why can't I be satisfied with the day? Today, I completed everything on my list, and they were good things that added value. I did a good job, a very good job. And yet I feel that deep dissatisfaction in myself.
It comes down to a choice. It's either I trust myself or I do not. It's that simple in the end.